BIrth Story

Sadie Mae and Benson Oliver - taken in the hospital

There are so many things that happened after the last post.  There were so many other concerns that happened and Dr. Tam Tam was so sure that so many things were wrong.  I was in a constant panic about it all.  He made me do NSTs 2x a week and BPP ultrasounds every week as well.  Then it turned into 2 BPPs a week.  He was just a really intense doctor!  Anyways... that's the VERY short version from weeks 30-36 lol.  So let's fast forward to the good stuff :)

Wednesday September 7th I saw Tam Tam and he was amazed that I was still pregnant.  I was 36wks and 3 days.  He just kept saying "It is so rare to make it this far with twins!"  Um... I made it to 37+1 with Alton and Ashlyn.... it's not THAT rare.  I was scheduled to deliver on September 15th and Dr. T wanted to move that up to the 11th... I told him I would talk to Dr. D about it the next day.  I trust her a heck of a lot more than him!!

Thursday September 8th was a crazy day.  We had a meeting at Alton's school to discuss him moving from his PPCD class to their Pre-K program at 8:15am.  Then I had a dentist appointment at 10:30 then I had to be at the hospital for 2pm for my NST and then I had an appointment with Dr. D at 3pm.  There was just so much to do before the new twins came!  So between dentist and doctor appointments I decided that I would clean the downstairs of the house and then when I got back from Dr D I planned on mopping and getting other things done.

I went in for my NST and all was fine.  A NST is a "non stress test".  They hook you up to monitors like they would if you were in labor at the hospital to monitor baby heartbeats.  Nothing weird.  They also look at my blood pressure too.  Basically, you just sit on a bed with monitors on your belly and arm and then.. you just wait about 40mins.  All looked great.  My blood pressure was normal.  I told the nurses that this was probably my last NST before I had the babies.

Then I headed down to the first floor to see Dr. D.  Abbey (my fav nurse at the office) did my vitals (urine, weight and blood pressure).  My blood pressure registered  high.  135/90... then we waited 5mins and took it again.  Still high. 135/91.  So weird.  I had JUST been hooked up to a blood pressure cuff for like an hour and it was totally fine!!  Then I waited for Dr. D to come in the room.  When she did she talked about my blood pressure being high and that the also found a trace of protein in my urine.  All these things can lead to preeclampsia which would be cause for an early delivery.  Yikes.  She then said that I should get a flu shot and that she wanted me to go back up to triage to be monitored again for a few hours and they wanted to run blood tests and a better urine test to be safe.  So back I went.  The nurses were all like "what are you doing back??" So I had to pee in a cup, get blood work done and back to sitting with monitors I went.  I called Jon to tell him.  He was working from home at the time and Alton and Ashlyn were napping.  I called my friend Kelli to see if the kids could go to her house for the afternoon so Jon could come to the hospital just in case.  I was there for about 2 hours.  My blood pressure?  Fine. Urine? Fine.  BUT! My platelets were a little low when they did my blood work.  What did this mean?  A golden ticket to a night stay in a luxury suite in the hospital.  Awesome.

Thursday night I spent in the hospital.  I just kept thinking- I left all my cleaning supplies out and I still have so much I wanted to do!  Everything they monitored in the hospital was fine.  The nurses even said so.  I even had to do another pee in the jug thing for 12 hours.  At 3:30am the nurses came and got my urine sample to be sent to the lab.   At 5:45am a nurse came in and said that all my labs came back good and fine and she didn't think I'd have to stay much longer.  We were just waiting for Dr. D at that time.  At around 8am Dr. D came in and  said there was 1 BP reading that was high during the night.  None of the nurses said that.  Then I mentioned that I had a really small headache.  Ah... so what did this all mean?  BABIES!  That's what!!  They wanted to deliver me at 10am.  Here it is 8am... I'll paint a picture for what is going on at my house at 8am on a Friday morning...

Kids are finishing breakfast.  Alton goes outside at 8:10am to get on the bus and Ashlyn has to be to school at 9am and we leave at 8:45 to get her there.  Not a big deal... until we have to figure out who will pick them up and keep them for the day after school.  Poor Jon.  He had to run around like a crazy person.  He had to go to Alton's school to give them Beth and Zak's info so the bus would let them pick Alton up.  Then he had to let Ashlyn's school know that she'd be picked up by B+Z.  He had to bring over car seats to B+Z's house, had to finish packing a hospital bag... and make it to the hospital before 10am lol.  It can take 30mins to get to the hospital from our house- sometimes longer depending on traffic.

Right after Jon found out we were having the babies he changed his shirt and took this when he was waiting for Alton's bus

Meanwhile, I'm at the hospital getting blood taken, getting an IV, getting prepped for surgery... at 9:50am I was ready to go... but Jon still wasn't there.  At 10:05am he finally arrived!  He got his special blue jumpsuit and then we were taken to the OR.  Jon was taken to a side room and I was in the OR getting ready.  One of the nurses was one of my triage/NST nurses.  I was so thankful to have her there.  I was terrified.  So many worries about the babies, about getting a spinal and being on blood thinners.  I may have shed some tears.  The spinal went fine and I had a really nice anesthesiologist too.  They put a bear hugger on me to help keep me warm and keep the weird shaking down.

Jon came in after the sheet went up.  I remember telling him how worried I was that the babies would have to go to the NICU or how I was scared that they weren't going to cry.  I started to feel nauseous and we were able to tell the anesthesiologist quick enough so that she could give me something to stop that.  I was so thankful.  That was the last thing I wanted to deal with.  There was lots of tugging and pulling like last time.  It's such a crazy feeling!  It's definitely not a normal thing to experience.  Then we heard the doctor say "There's A and there's B".  So we knew they were coming out soon.

First came our baby girl :)  She let out such a soft cry- but it was a cry.  They held her over the sheet and Jon and I shed some tears.  She had lots of hair!  Then a minute later came baby boy.  He let out some cries too.  I can't tell you how thankful I was.  They held him over but I couldn't see him very well but I saw hair!!  They asked Jon to come over to see them in the side room get weighed and measured.

Baby girl weighed 5lbs 2oz and Baby boy weighed 5lbs 6oz.  Their measurements on the other hand are up for debate lol.. in the hospital they said girl was 19" and boy was 18 1/2".  At their pediatrician visit yesterday they were shorter.. so.... who knows :)

Jon brought baby girl over to me while I was still being worked on.  Baby boy was breathing a little fast so they had to watch him for a little bit.  They brought him over and I got to see both of them and kiss them.  So awesome.  After they were all done working on me we went to recovery.  The best part was that I got to go to recovery with Jon and the babies!  Last time I was all alone!  I even got to hold them!  It made me so happy.

Benson on left and Sadie on right

 Once I was done being monitored we headed to room 2303.  We finally decided on names.  Sadie Mae and Benson Oliver.  We are in love! They were born at 36wks and 5 days.  So close to 37 weeks!!  They were still considered premature.  Because of this they had to be monitored more closely.  More blood sugar tests, special high calorie formula, car seat challenge.... lots of not so fun stuff.

Benson had a little fluid in his lungs that didn't come out at birth and had a bunch of spit up on the first day- but it has gotten better.  Sadie didn't have any of the little struggles that Benson did and we are so grateful.  We were almost positive that these two littles were going to get a ticket to the NICU and amazingly enough- neither had to spend any time there.

After all the crap (let's be real- it was total crap) that Dr. Tam Tam made me go through- these two are just perfect.  Dr. Tam Tam was convinced that Benson had down syndrome and even when we saw him this past Wednesday (2 days before they were born) he made it very clear that I needed to get a blood test done in the hospital.  He was like- there is a chance that he might be a beautiful baby with no problems but you need him to be tested.  When we were in the OR I was all freaked out about that and I mentioned it to a nurse and she looked at me like I was nuts.  "Um, no.  I don't see any markers."  Then we later brought it up to the pediatrician in the hospital and then again to our normal pediatrician and they all had the same reaction.

Anyways...  Dr. T was also convinced that they were going to the NICU because there's no way twins could make it without going there. Then he was concerned about Sadie having a really small head. Oh, don't you worry- zika had even been brought up during earlier months because her head was measuring small.  Facepalm.  I was supposed to see him on Friday again... I was so excited that I didn't have to see him haha because my appointment would have been at 11am.  Sorry buddy, I'll be in the OR :)  I could've given them a call to cancel my appointment between when I found out we were going to deliver to when we went into the OR but I didn't :)  When Dr. D came on Monday to see how we were doing we talked about everything.  I felt so much better after talking to her.  Relieved, really.

While we were there we had a few visitors and on Sunday Grandma and Grandpa came with Alton and Ashlyn. Alton was very cautious and really had no interest.  Ashlyn was over the moon excited about being a big sister.

 

Family of 6!!

What an adventure! A tiring one- but it's so worth it.  

One week old

Alton finally asked to hold a baby - holding Benson

Benson Oliver

Sadie Mae

29.5 weeks

So close... yet so far!!  There are times where this pregnancy feels like it has been flying and other times that it's crawling along.

I had my first iron infusion 3 weeks ago (tomorrow).  It's quite the experience.  I'm there for 2.5hrs. I get hooked up to an IV, hook up the iron and... wait.  Jon came with me the first time.  I was thankful to have him there.  I hate IVs.  I don't think I've ever met anyone who likes IVs.. but you know what I mean... they freak me out and they hurt!  Last week, I had a different nurse than the first time and he left me with a whopper of a bruise on my arm.  I go in tomorrow for another one... I hope I get a different nurse from last week :(

I saw Dr. D last week and she told me that she wanted to start having me come in every week instead of every 2 weeks.  The dr's office is switching over to a new electronic system... and it has been a bit of a nightmare to get scheduled.  Dr. D also wanted me to do another ultrasound (I do them every 4 wks).  I went in this past Monday and poor baby girl... she is SO squished under baby boy.  Every ultrasound tech has such a hard time seeing her.  Even whenever I've seen a specialist and when I went in for the echo!  To get to her, they have to go through baby boy.  Anyways, Darcy (my normal ultrasound tech) was doing her thing and everything was looking good.  The only odd thing was that baby girl's head is measuring small.  like.. 4 wks smaller.  But, one thing to consider- when she first got a leg measurement for baby girl- it measured small and then baby girl moved every so slightly and it measured on track.  So, I'm not really sure what to think.  I was in a little bit of a panic and then I tried to ignore it.

Fast forward a few days to today, Thursday.  I had my weekly Dr. appt.  Dr. D is out of town so I had to see someone else in the office, Dr. Lee.  I've never met her before.  Ashlyn came with me today.  The new electronic system was up and running today in the office.. so now every room has a computer.  Because it was a different doctor- it was a different nurse.  I love my dr's nurse, Abby.  She actually used to work at HFI when we were doing IVF with Alton and Ashlyn.  We have that connection and it makes it easy to talk to her.  This nurse was very cold.  Ashlyn even asked after she left- "Was she mad, mommy?"  nice.  My other nurse, Abby came in because she wanted to know why Dr. D wanted me to start coming in every week now.  I have no idea... that's just what she told me she wanted.  Normally the every week thing doesn't happen until 32 weeks... so I have like a red flag on me lol...  When Dr. Lee came in, she also asked what was up with coming in every week.  NO idea.  I don't want to drive down here that often!  I'm just doing what I'm told.

After that, she got down to business.  Went straight to the ultrasound and said "your baby's head is measuring small".  Has it been this way the whole pregnancy? No.  The next set of questions led to my panic... "Have you been out of the country- most importantly South America recently? Has your husband?  Are you sure?"  Am I sure?? I think I'd remember being on a gorgeous beach  lol   Then she started talking about Zika and how prevalent it is right now and started talking about small heads.  My head started to spin!  No, I don't have zika... but seriously, why are you bringing that up to a pregnant woman who doesn't have it??? I was beside myself.  Then she was all concerned that I wasn't seeing Dr. TamTam for growth ultrasounds.  Well, he told me that he didn't see a reason for me to keep coming to him and I could keep going to Dr. D if I wanted.  No brainer... TamTam = $40 ea time... Dr. D.. no copay.  So I told her that he said that I could continue seeing Dr. D and receive my ultrasounds in her office.  Then she said what I wish I could ignore- "You will be needing to go back to Dr. Tam Tam".  Great.  Then she said, "Well, any other problems today?" I said no.. and then she said, "Okay, I'll send for the ultrasound tech to come get you and get fetal tones".... um?  Dr. D gets heartbeats on her own with her little pocket doppler thing.  Poor Ashlyn was getting bored.   We waited about 20mins and then Darcy walked in with another ultrasound lady and we went to an ultrasound room just to get heart beats.  It was an ultrasound instead of just a doppler.  I was like, "so... do you think you could remeasure baby girl's head???" and they said, "we don't have orders to do that, sorry".  Rats.

I go back to see Dr. D next Friday early morning... only problem?  It's at 8:50am and then I have my iron infusion at 10:15am.  Looks like I'm spending a half day in willowbrook!! Now I need to find someone to watch Alton and Ashlyn who's okay with them running around all,day.long.  I'm also waiting to get the call from Dr. Tam Tam's office to see if that request was put in to see me... woo.

I'm just done with these weird road blocks.  I'm at the point where I just feel like "come and get me when it's over" lol...  I have a lot of fears and a lot of worry.  I'm trying to feel like everything is going to be okay.  It's just hard to do.  I talked to my dad this week and he likes to refer to my pregnancy as my "problem".  We'll be talking and then he'll be like, so, how's your "problem" going?  Um.. what problem?  "The having 2 more kids problem".  Thanks, Dad lol.  There are just times where I really need to talk to my mom.  It's hard not having her when I am feeling so scared.

On a lighter note- 9 wks or less to go :)

27.2wks :)

Just another update :)  Nothing super exciting.  Although, goal wise it's exciting.. 10-11more weeks if all goes according to plan!!

With my visit with Dr. Tam Tam that I talked about last post, I didn't mention that he told me that he is recommending that all his IVF mommies go in for an echocardiogram for the babies.  The nurse even asked me before he told me about it if I had gone in for my echo yet.  That was news to me.  They didn't make me do that with A&A.  Anyways, that was 2 weeks ago?  I went and my ultrasound tech was a guy (that's a first- minus my infertility specialist).  It was about a 3 hour appt.  Both babies look good.  The imaging on baby girl was really hard to see.  It looked really fuzzy and all the images with baby boy were very crisp and clear.  Looking at the girl they saw a "drop out" which means there could be a very small hole in her heart or an issue with the image.  After baby girl is born, we may have to get an echo on her just to make sure.  Oh- and as a side note- Since my visit I have heard from another IVF mommy who is also expecting twins who had to see Tam Tam... he mentioned NOTHING about going in for an echo to her... I think Tam Tam just didn't like me lol... oh well. 

Today I went in to a hematologist that Dr. DeSplinter referred me to due to low iron.  It was a bit of an interesting waiting room.  The price is right was on and I was surrounded by much older people who weren't in the best of health.  I definitely felt very out of place.  The doctor was running very late.  I got taken back and waited forever... I was getting a little bugged but then I heard a few conversations outside that gave me a big dose of humble pie.  The patient before me was having some very serious problems and she definitely needed all of the doctor's time.  Made me thankful that all I was there for was anemia.  

Anyways, so turns out that my iron levels were "barely detectable" lol... it came in at a 9 and the dr says she expects it to be in the hundreds.  So what does this mean?  Iron infusions.  I will start off with once a week visits to an infusion center. It might be increased to 2x a week, but we'll have to see how I'm responding. The first visit they require that someone come with me incase I have a reaction.  I know that this is necessary but I can't tell y'all how much I hate being a burden to other people.  Not only do I need to make sure my kids are looked after, but I need someone with me too!  The other part is that I will need to come after the babies are born to make sure my iron levels are doing okay because the babies will need iron.  

Blah.  

On the plus side- I did pass my glucose test with flying colors haha.. so one less thing to worry about!!  I'm really doing okay, just so much to keep track of and to worry about.  Jon is still traveling.  It is very possible that he will be able to be remote starting next week - fingers crossed!!!  He has been traveling straight for 19mo every week!  We are so ready to have our daddy back home.  

On a happy note, we had a wonderful 4th of July yesterday.  We took the kids to our in-law's pool and they loved it :)  Ashlyn pretended that she was a mermaid and Alton kept calling himself a great white shark and a humongous whale haha :)  Ashlyn would kick and try to paddle with her hands and then she'd ask to go back to "mermaid town" aka: the stairs.  

After naps, we went over to Jon's parent's house.  His sister, Leanna is in town from NYC so it was great to see her and to spend time with Jon's other sister, Beth and her family as well.  The kids had fun playing in a kiddie pool outside, hula hooping, walking on stilts and setting off some fireworks.  

Updates

On May 5th we found out genders!!  I was 18.4wks along.  Jon was able to come with me- yahoo!! We had just gotten back from a family trip to Utah and he was still in town :)  Not on vacation.. but he was here!!  I was so thankful for our tech this time around because unlike last time, she actually asked if we wanted to know the genders and if we already knew.  With A&A the tech assumed we already knew and just went ahead with the ultrasound :)

So... baby A is a girl and baby B is a boy!!! I made the tech go back and double check before we were done! For a while I kept feeling like we had 2 girls.. and then I started feeling like it was a boy and a girl again!  This is perfect!  We are so excited!

All looked pretty well.  The only thing that was a tiny bit concerning is that our baby boy has a little bit a fluid around his heart- but not enough to really raise alarm.  However, try telling a pregnant woman that!!  "Don't panic.. but..." yeah...

May 20th we had our next ultrasound at Dr. Tam Tam's office (the specialist).  This was a biggie ultrasound. 3.hours.long!!!!  It's no secret that I'm not a fan of this doctor.  He knows his stuff and is proactive- so I appreciate that... he's just so intense!  The first 2 hours we were just with an ultrasound tech.  She confirmed genders again :)  Baby girl was not super cooperative, but the tech got most of what she needed.  After 2 hours with the tech, Dr. Tam Tam came in with his check list of what he needed to look at that either the tech didn't get or couldn't get...

One of the longest hours of my life!  He spent the first 15mins very silent and looking over and over at our baby boy's face.  Then he started hedging and asking if we did the down syndrome screening with Dr. DeSplinter.  Apparently, they ran the test but only showed it as being 1 baby- not twins.  I was originally told that all came back normal.  The way baby boy's placenta is positioned- it is harder to see him sometimes.  There's more tissue to get through.  Dr. T couldn't find baby b's nose bone.  Apparently, that is a strong indicator of downs.  Of course my heart is sinking.  But then we'd get a glimpse of it.  Dr. T kept saying- it shouldn't be this hard to see it and find it.  We finally got a really good view and I felt better about it.  He wasn't concerned about the fluid around his heart... but he recommended that I go in for an echocardiogram for the babies.  That will be on June 23rd.  You better believe that I am pretty nervous for all of that.

I feel like I've gone through so much more for this pregnancy than I did with A&A.  Way more worry.  Way more meds.  Last week I had a normal appt with Dr. D and I got a call today about my bloodwork.  They need to adjust my thyroid meds (not a surprise) and then they told me that my red blood cells look normal but they are low in number.  From the numbers alone it looks like normocytic anemia.  Dr. D wants me to come in tomorrow to do more iron tests.  Lucky me!  I didn't have this last time around.  So I'm just feeling defeated.  I know it's not a big deal, but to me I just feel like it's just something else.

Don't get me wrong, I know we are so blessed and we are so happy for our new little girl and boy to join our family.  I'm just really over feeling like everything is wrong with me.  I just have to keep going one day at a time.  Other than bloods tomorrow- I go back on the 17th for a normal appt with Dr. D  along with my glucose test and ultrasound.  If I fail that glucose test- I'm going to lose it lol.

Oh... I don't think I've mentioned this... Dr. Tam Tam made me do a 24hr urine test!! I had to pee in a jug for a 24 hr period!  I had to deliver said jug to the lab... how horrifying lol.  They do this to get a baseline to see how much protein I might have in my urine.  Having that information will help Dr. D down the line... esp if I develope protein in my urine.  If this happens, they are more likely to deliver you- but if they have a base first then if they spot protein they will have a better idea if they really need to deliver you... so it just helps them not deliver sooner than needed.    All came back normal with my urine test so that makes me happy.

I can do this!  I can do this!!

Some People Are Worth Melting For

And just like that... 3 months have passed!

I took a step back from the blog because I was getting nervous.  The last time I had written I had not found out the outcome of our transfer.  I ran into the "what ifs"... what if I write about this whole IVF again and then it fails?  I decided to step back and figured that if it failed then I would pick up at some other point or if it was a success, I'd pick back up when it was "safe".

Well, on January 21st (the day of my last post)- as I wrote, they called back with my blood work and told me to continue my meds.  What I left out of that post was that my Dr. decided to run a pregnancy test.  So after the nurse told me all looked good, she added... "and, there's more.  We ran a pregnancy test."  My heart was seriously going a million miles a minute.  In the 2 seconds before she continued so many thoughts ran through my head.  Surely they wouldn't be telling me to continue meds if it was negative- would they?  She continued, "And it came back.. POSITIVE!  Your levels are 85!!!!"  I was only 6 days post transfer.  I hadn't even caved and taken an at home test.  I posted this on an IVF support group I'm apart of on facebook:

er.me.gersh!!! So I had to go into my dr's for blood work to check progesterone levels (I'm 6dp6dfet). Anyways, the nurse called and told me all my levels looked good and then she said.. "And... we ran a pregnancy test on you." I was just like.. "what???" (obviously not upset but just unexpected) and she said that I'm pregnant! She said levels were at 85! I'm still holding my breath here.. but I'm still in disbelief! This is our 3rd FET since August! My actual beta wasn't supposed to be until the 29th. So, we'll see what happens this upcoming week

I was in shock (I still am).  I was still nervous.  However, things moved right along.  My hcg levels rose they way they were supposed to.  On 11 days post transfer it was 799 and just kept going up!  

On Feb. 4th (5wks pregnant) we had our first ultrasound and our pregnancy was confirmed and it showed that we were indeed pregnant with TWINS!! AGAIN!!  Holy moly!  We were elated, scared, nervous, happy, shocked.. every emotion good and bad haha.  A 2nd set of twins!?!?   Wow!!

There is so much to catch up on but I don't want to turn this into a novel and I will do my best to update as we go along here.  I just wanted to talk about Alton and Ashlyn's story compared to our current story.  When we first got pregnant with A&A the disney movie UP was a huge influence with our story.  It still is.  So many crazy emotions from that movie.  Not only is infertility is quietly discussed in the first 15-20mins of the movie, they did it so thoughtfully.  The movie was all about picking yourself up from hardships and keep moving, keep having adventures and not being afraid to let people in.  We formed our little "grape soda club"  which the new twins will also get their own pins :) 

 However, this time around, there is a new disney movie, Frozen, that I feel is very appropriate.  A&A love this movie.  We watch it often.  Around when we transferred our snow babies we watched this movie and a line hit me hard.  I know, so cliche and cheesy- but I really don't care!  It's towards the end when Olaf finds Anna locked in a room in the castle by Hans.  She is feeling hopeless and freezing.  She is giving up hope.  Then, out of nowhere, Olaf is roaming the castle and unlocks the door where she is and finds her in this state.  He tries everything he can to help her, to get her warm, to give her hope.  He lights a fire.  She tells him to stop because he will melt.  He looks back at her and says, "Some people are worth melting for".  At that time, we didn't know if this transfer was going to work, but I felt a peace come over me (again, you area all probably rolling your eyes haha) and I knew that no matter what happened it would all be okay.  

I can't tell you how thankful I am for this wonderful blessing.  To know that our little family was "worth melting for" is humbling.  

We are officially due on October 2nd, 2016.. but let's be real... I'm not making it that far!! :)  Here is our official announcement!!!

Appt today

Went in today to check on my progesterone levels after adding the prometrium to my menu :)  I took prometrium before I dropped the kids off at preschool and then I went straight to the Dr's after that.  I haven't felt as extremely drowsy as I did the first time I took it on Tuesday night but I still get a little loopy.  So, by the time I went in I was starting to feel it.  I was around the corner from costco so I decided after the blood draw I'd go over to costco to pick up a few things and to ride out my weird drowsiness.

The rest of the day was fine.  Got the kids from school, had them finish what was left of their lunch (which was most of it), nap time, I was still drowsy/tired from meds so I just relaxed and watched a couple episodes on hulu.... I hate moving around when I feel loopy.  I felt lazy, but it's better than bumbling around haha.

My doctor's office called me with the results and they said my estrogen and progesterone levels look good and to continue my meds as I have been.  So it looks like the prometrium is doing it's job :)  I go back on Tuesday to recheck my levels.

On another note, when I was down and out about the prometrium thing I prayed for comfort and understanding.  I was just needing a feeling of support.  The next day a friend stopped by with a sonic drink.  She had no idea what was going on.  I know it's just a sonic drink- but to me- it was reassurance that I was being looked out for.  Later that evening an old friend contacted me about her infertility journey and wishing us luck on ours.  She mentioned about reading through our old blog about all of our infertility struggles and successes and how she has found hope in that.  It seriously brought tears to my eyes because this journey has just been so crazy.  I so appreciated her contacting me.

Today was a great day.

Quick update

Took the prometrium last night and then a little while after I took my progesterone shot... and holy cow.. drowsy city!!  We'll see how that continues to go.  It better be all worth it!!

Anyways, this morning, I called conception pharmacy (where I get all fertility meds) and I needed to order new progesterone in oil shots.  The last time I ordered my month supply it was like $300 just for those.  This was back in October.  Anyways, I told the woman I was pretty sure my insurance wasn't going to cover it.  I asked if I could only order a few instead of the full month so I didn't have to pay so much money.  She ran it through insurance just incase and she said that insurance covered it and it was $10... What?? I was like.. "you're kidding!"  She even ran it through a 2nd time.  She said in October it was run through insurance but not covered so it might've changed over the new year!  I'm still in shock.  It's a tender mercy, that's for sure.

I know it wasn't like thousands of dollars saved.. but if IVF works, I'll be on the shots for a long time and that will add up very very quickly... so it could turn into over $1000 just for that but now.. if my insurance covers it... It really relieves a lot of financial stress.

God is good.  I am beyond thankful and we are beyond blessed.  Still crossing fingers! 5 days past transfer...

Transfer and other things

Friday was our transfer day!  We had to be there at 6:30am.   Instructions upon leaving home:  empty bladder, begin drinking 1st water bottle and finish at arrival, check in, start 2nd water bottle.... feel like you have to pee your pants.. haha.

Anyways, we got to the clinic and checked in.  Maybe around 7am we got called back, saw our nurse, vitals, took ibuprofen, took a valium, Jon got his fancy suit, I got the gown.. woo!  Then we headed back.  We got our pictures of our snowbabies.  Both hatching!  This is a good thing.  Transfer went really well.  I guess I don't have a whole ton of description.  The same ol same ol... Then, Dr. G said that he wanted me back in on Tuesday to check my estrogen and progesterone levels.  The last 2 FETs they didn't check me at all until the the pregnancy test.  With Alton and Ashlyn's IVF they checked me a few times before the pregnancy test.  So, it makes sense.. just hoping it will help my odds.

Today I went in for my blood test and it came back saying my estrogen levels are good but my progesterone levels aren't as high as they want them to be.  I'm already an emotional mess.  So everything is heightened and I make a big deal about stupid stuff.  It's just what happens when you are on tons of estrogen!  Ha!  Anyways, they're putting me on prometrium (pill form of progesterone) and then still do the progesterone in oil shots.  Then I'll be back on Thursday to check up on it again.  I guess I'm so upset about all of this because it starts the questions of "Am I doing the shots wrong?  What else is wrong with my body?  What can I do different?...."  See? Stressful.  Anyways...

The bedrest was good.  It was nice to see Jon with Alton and Ashlyn having fun.  Jon did so much to help and kept us together this past weekend and I'm truly thankful for his willingness to be on this crazy ride with me!  By the end of the weekend I was so done with laying on the couch.  I'm doing fine now.  No real symptoms.  Some cramping here and there (I think.. who knows...).  The two week wait is so hard.  It's just a rollercoaster.  You have no way to control anything, no way of knowing if it was successful, there are usually no symptoms during the 2ww anyways so no matter what happens- there's no way of knowing unitl the blood test.

Today after I got the news about adding the prometrium to my already large list of meds I was so down and out.  I was getting frustrated with all the little things.  For example, whenever Ashlyn got a little crazy (upset because she didn't have the right color of something) it really got under my skin more than it should have.  I had a lot of mom fails this afternoon.  I just have to pick myself up and be better tomorrow.  It's really hard not having Jon here in town.  There are just times that you need a moment to check out and tonight was one of them.

Anyways, not trying to be all depressing over here :)  It was just a rough day.  I still have hope, but man it's hard to keep hope alive after the last 2 failed FETs.  Crossing fingers!

And.... it's 2016

So much has happened.  I haven't kept up with this blog like my original intentions.  Not that surprising... Oh well.

There has just been so much that I've been keeping track of for the kids and myself.  Then Jon is traveling still every week so weekends are crazy too- trying to get in a lot of daddy time.

Super simple summary... did a 2nd FET and it failed.  I was pretty shocked to be honest.  The first one we did back in August I didn't even bother getting an at home test.  I just knew.  The 2nd time I got an at home test and I was like 90% sure that it was going to be positive.. it wasn't.. but it's not over until the beta blood test... and it was negative.

I didn't want to crawl back into my dark little hole and we didn't have a long waiting period this time around (last time we had to wait for tons of blood work and then we were going on vacation back in October...)

Anyways, we decided to do a 3rd FET.  We met with my doctor to hash everything out.  We decided that it would be best to put in 2 embryos (trust me, my heart skips a beat every time I think about it).  There's a chance that only one will take, that both will stick or none.  We decided to not test the embryos.  When we first did this- we had no reason to test them (or the extra $$$ to do it).   All the testing would tell us is if the embryo is viable- if it would even survive.  We didn't care about genetic things- if we got pregnant on our own it's not like we could really control that.. so if we had done it- it would just have been to see if the embryo was good or not.  So... there's a chance that these frozen snow babies aren't viable.  But, it's too risky to test them.  Reasons why we are choosing not to (and doctor recommended against it) A- do they survive the thaw?  B- would they survive the testing?  C- Is there any long term damage?- no one really knows that last one.

We started meds back up the day after Christmas.  I had been on birthcontrol for just a little bit- they called it a "holding period"... where I wasn't going to be on birth control for an entire cycle so that we could start everything before the new year but not have it fall during the new year because the IVF lab closes for like a week.  So... here we are... and our 3rd FET is on FRIDAY!  I'm trying to go into this with confidence and a positive head.  It's hard.  Everything in this world comes at you hard.  "Maybe I'm not supposed to pass these crazy genes of mine on."  "I already have 2 kids- why should I have more?"   The list could go on forever.

We went to the temple over the break and we have been praying about it for quite a while and we both know that the decision we've made (to do it again and to put in two embryos) is right.  Whether the outcome is what we're hoping for or not.

Bring it on Friday.  I'm coming with my lucky socks that I wore to the twin's IVF.  Didn't wear them the last 2 times... thinking I should this time :D

Shameless plug :)

Hey all!  So we've put together a t-shirt campaign for this frozen embryo transfer!  After the last failed attempt, I am now on lots of medications and some are covered by insurance but the really expensive ones are not and there aren't any generics!  Ah!  That is where this money will go towards.

In the IVF world, frozen embryos are lovingly known as "snow babies".  Please help us "catch" our snowflake baby!

Thank you all for your love and support!

https://teechip.com/catchingsnowflakes

There are men and women sizes in assorted colors :)

Well.. didn't see that coming.

So I went in on Tuesday and did my blood work and my ultrasound.  The kids were in schools so I didn't have to worry about finding anyone to help with them.

Dr. Nuredeen (she did my last hysteroscopy) did my scan.  She said my lining was really thin and my follicles were small.  She can't make the decisions on my treatment because Dr. G is my official doctor.  She said "I can see you starting- but it all depends on your bloodwork and Dr. G."  I waited all day to hear back.  Finally, at 7pm I got my message that I needed to start my meds that day!

Thankfully, I had pills and patches left over from August.  While I was at the doc's office I called the specialty pharmacy and ordered my meds for overnight shipment just in case.

It's official.. I'm a walking pharmacy this go-round.
estrace (dissolvable pill) 3x a day
estrogen patch (changed every 3 days)
lovenox (blood thinner) injection every day (uggggh!!)
Metanx - to help me absorb folic acid- 2x/day
baby asprin

and then later on... the lovely progesterone in oil.

I'm excited for the IVF part... the whole meds part totally sucks.  I don't know if I'll be able to this another time if this doesn't work.

People keep asking me "you really want another one?"  are we crazy?  I never know how to respond to that... or why I have to defend our decision.  It's a 3rd child... not a 10th.  Jon and I made this decision together.  It's going to be hard.  It's going to be a lot of work... but it's worth it.  We started talking about when the twins are grown.  They'll only have a few kids each.. that means if they only have 2 kids each.. that's only 4 grandchildren.  Then we talked about family gatherings that we have in our own families.  It's fun to have multiple siblings and having cousins to play with.  We want that for our family.

Sorry, had to get that out lol.  I'm nervous.  I hate the meds.. but I have high hopes!

Blood results and where to go from here

So, I had my monster blood test done in September and we saw Dr. G at the beginning of October.

First things first-  what we learned from the test was that Alton and Ashlyn are truly miracle babies.

When we sat down with Dr. G- the first thing he said to us was "Well, we did the blood test and we got more than we bargained for!"

Basically- I have a few genetic mutations.  MTHFR is one of them.  That's basically where my body doesn't absorb folic acid like normal people.  That's easily fixed with a supplement.  Not a really big issue.. however... with that comes something a little more serious.  I have something else where because I don't absorb the folic acid- I am prone to clotting which is most likely why the last FET/IVF failed.  If we do this again- I will take the supplement to help with folic acid and also a blood thinner (in an injection form, of course...).

At that visit I was like day 30 something into my cycle... he said to call when my cycle started.  I told him that we were going on vacation from the 18th-23rd of Oct.  He said not to worry and suggested to schedule me towards the end of the week before we were leaving to see where I was at.  So, if my cycle started I'd call before that appt and if not- that appt was already in place.  We had a plan.

I went in for my appt on the 15th.. day like 45 of my cycle... my lining was thick.  Results showed that my cycle would start within 10 days.  Great.  I was hoping that it would come later in the week so that we wouldn't miss the opportunity.  Then... Sun/Mon (18th/19th) my period started on our trip.  We were in FL!  I couldn't call them... what was the point?  I couldn't go in to be checked and I didn't have my meds and I wasn't about to have them shipped to the hotel.  I decided to just not think about it because I wanted to enjoy our vacation and not stress.

We got home on Friday the 23rd.  I could've called them when we got back into town, but I didn't.  I was still just on the fence.  Then today came and I got the nerve to call.  I told the nurse that I was fully aware that I had probably lost my window for being able to do a FET for this cycle but I was looking for advice on what to do.  Their IVF lab closes at the end of December.. so timing is important.  However, my cycle is NEVER normal.  Sometimes it comes around 28 days and sometimes it decides to take a holiday for 6 months!  This is why birth control is important for those who are going through fertility treatments.  I was assuming they'd tell me to call when my next cycle started and then they'd probably put me on birth control to get more control.  The nurse said that if my period didn't come by day 28 then I would need to call them so they could see where I was and maybe jump start it.  Marked the calendar and ended the call.

About 5 mins later I got a text saying "check your patient portal".  The nurse had talked to Dr. G and he wants me to come in tomorrow and see where I am (ultrasound and bloodwork) and see if we can start this cycle.  I'm not holding my breath.  I'm keeping my hopes low.  I will be VERY surprised if we start the meds.

Wish me luck...

Results

Sorry, no pictures today.  This will be a bit of a long post.  I wrote this below- but in case you don't make it that far (I don't blame you) I am making this blog public.  Not for people to feel bad for us- but to spread awareness about different things like mammograms, infertility, faith and hope.

Today was my blood test to see if the IVF took.  I'm heart broken to say that it did not.

I had a feeling this morning that it wouldn't be a positive result.  No real reason or symptoms- just a hunch.  When I told Dr. G that on the phone (that I had a feeling that it was going to be negative) he said "why do you say that?" he was concerned.. maybe thinking I hadn't mentioned any sort of symptom or something- but I assured him that nothing was out of the ordinary with my symptoms.. just a "hunch".. I hate using that word for this- but I can't think of anything else right now.  Even with the hunch- it is still heartbreaking.  

This last year has been hard.  Jon has been traveling every week since before Thanksgiving (minus Christmas, the week in NH and the week we thought our transfer was going to be).  The kids and I have just gotten into a little routine.. some days are better than others... some days include mickey mouse clubhouse episodes and others include chicken nuggets... not super proud of that- but you do what you have to sometimes.  Then, this past summer with the whole mammogram scare and going through all the infertility stuff- I've just been a mess.  I know, I'm complaining.  

We are blessed beyond what we deserve and I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and things will be ok.  So, I hate complaining about all of this- because our lives are so wonderful.  There are just times where I'm tired of being strong or tough.  However, there are so many things in my life where I've had to rely on my faith and I've always come out stronger.   

Dr. G called me later today (after the nurse had called me with the results) and went over everything with me.  He suggested that we do a blood screening (the miscarriage panel).   He said that my results indicated that the embryo may have implanted- which would be a definite miscarriage.  Sometimes when the embryos are transferred into the uterus, they don't implant at all and just pass through.  We will never truly know what happened, but since Dr. G knows  more than I do- I trust what he says.  He said that the blood screening is usually done after 2-3 miscarriages.  However, with my history, it just makes sense to do it now.  This will hopefully give them answers of what happened and how to prevent another miscarriage.  He said part of what it checks is to see if I have blood clotting issues or if there was an antibody that interfered.  I agreed to do the blood panel. He told me that it'll be about 15 vials. I responded with "I know I shouldn't be freaked out by needles after all the shots I've given myself... but yikes!!"  Anyways, that will be on Thursday.  It takes about 2 weeks for the results to come back.  After that, he wants to meet with Jon and me.  We've been either phone conferencing or skyping him in to any meetings I've had with Dr. G.  So, because Jon travels all the time- Friday is the only day.  However, Dr. G is in The Woodlands on Fridays... so we will have to go up there to see him (at least an hour away.. with traffic... longer).  

I'm not sure where we will go from here.  I feel like our family isn't complete.  One thing I never mentioned in my post a while back about the mammogram ordeal was that when I told the main radiologist (the one who was so sure that she found something and was expecting to do a biopsy) that I had b/g twins but we wanted to do IVF again to have another... she just was in disbelief.  She was an older lady.. but she kept saying "But you have two already- that's not enough? You want more?"  I've thought about that comment a few times since and I was a little shocked that she even said it.  I'm not offended by any means.. I just felt sad for her.  Yes, trust me, my two are enough- more than enough and I love them more than I'll ever be able to express.  I'm not looking to have 10 kids or anything like that- but I know that we are not done.  We feel like there is one more little one and we will do everything that we can (including the horrible shots!!) to bring them into our lives.  

We may never have another one.  We may adopt.  Who knows.  What I do know that I have hope.  As heart broken as I am at this moment, there is hope.   I've kept this blog private because I was nervous to share, but I will probably be making this blog public.  Not for people to feel bad for us- but to spread awareness about different things like mammograms, infertility, faith and hope.  Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us, to comfort us and to uplift us.  He has a hand in all things.  He is in the details.  

For now, we will move forward.  This will all be okay.  I am so blessed to have two incredibly amazing miracle babies (well.. not babies.. they're almost 3! But still!).  I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband who works so hard.  I am so blessed to have my in-laws in town. I can't express how much I appreciate their love, support and generosity.  Our friends are amazing and have been there and have been so supportive.  I can't thank them enough.  I'm thankful for my family back in NH who have been a great support to us as well.  We couldn't get through any of this without ALL of you.  

I will leave you with one of me and my husband's favorite scripture

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Love,

Crystal

The 2 week wait

Blah!!  The two week wait is terrible!! I'm fine and everything.. but the waiting itself stinks!  You play all these mind games with yourself.  You google everything on the planet to see what other people have experienced.  Any new symptoms must be fully evaluated and worried over.  It's just so ridiculous.

Infertility just plain stinks.

I have days where I"m super optimistic "oh yeah, this totally worked!" and other days where I'm like "This didn't work.  We're going to have to do this again!  I hate shots!!"  Okay... the shots thing is an all around "I hate shots" but figured I'd throw it in the non happy thought haha

It's not uncommon to not have any symptoms at all during these first two weeks and that's what really stinks.  You think someone would throw you a bone and just show you a small sign... even taking a home test could be false (negative and positive).  I'm debating on whether or not to take  a home test the day I do my blood test or not.

I made my appointment for that today.  It was a little odd... I told them why I needed my appointment and the first girl seemed confused.  She put me on hold and then it rang and someone else picked up and it was like I started the conversation all over.  It was weird.. They got it figured out and scheduled me.  I love HFI but I have to admit.. this time around has been hard.  The staff is all new.  They don't treat things the same way.  Instead of getting a phone call after you have a visit with a blood test to explain your results, you just get a little message on your patient portal and then instructions to call them to make your next appointment.  Before, they'd call, you'd have them to ask questions and then you'd make your appointment and be done.  Maybe it's because they've grown and have more patients?  I don't know.  Maybe something happened that has caused them to have to be not seem personally invested?  Either way, it has just been weird.  I still love Dr. G and have a ton of respect for him.  It's really not a big deal with the staff and stuff- I'm just being petty.  I would still recommend them to anyone needing help with infertility in a heart beat.

Anyways, we find out in 5 days.  Keep us in your prayers!

In the mean time, here are the littles- who are starting PRESCHOOL soon!  Can you believe that??? I'm in denial.

Transfer Day!!

What a day!!  I did not get much sleep last night.  My alarm went off around 5:20am and Jon's parents came around 5:45am. Between getting up and leaving- the cat decided to get sick... 5x. ugh! Anyways, I helped give instructions about the kid's normal routine as best I could.  Then Anne and I headed off to the Piney Point surgical center.

Traffic was a little crazier than we expected.  We were about 15mins late- but oh well.  I wasn't worried.  We got into the building and into the fertility office and then we realized that we needed to go to another suite down the hall to register.  While I was there, the woman who had called me yesterday called me again!  I was like "i'm sorry, I know I was late- but I'm getting registered right now!" She was like "oh, okay. Bye"  Weird!!

They called me back.  I went back alone, signed consents, continued drinking water, took my motrin and then they gave me a valium - the loopy drug!!  I got changed and ready.  Anne came in and was dressed up in her gear :D I wanted to take a picture but I didn't want one of myself... so in fairness I didn't take any.  I helped her figure out how to use skype so that we could do that with Jon.  Dr G came in and showed me the picture of our embryo!  It had survived the thaw and the picture was cool!  It caught it in hatching stage- Dr. G said that was a good thing.

 I was walked back to the room.   I met the nurses, and 2 doctors (including Dr G).  They got me set up on a table, put my legs in these weird things, they had an ultrasound going.  Dr. G explained everything as it was going on.  He said my lining looked great.  The whole thing was maybe like 20mins? I don't know.  I was a little out of it haha.  After it was over, Dr. G made a joke to Jon (but he couldn't hear it- the microphone was a bit muffled).  He told Jon it all went well, but if he wanted the doc to check- he could add a 2nd one"  It was a total joke :)  threatening twins!  Jon totally didn't hear it and thought he said that the 1st didn't take so we would have to do a 2nd one.  It was a little funny.

They had me slide over to another bed thing and they rolled me into another area.  Last time they made me lay there for like 45 mins.  This time it was NOT that long.  They've changed it up a little I guess.  3 years apparently means big changes in the medical world ;)  I went and got changed and then I met Anne and a nurse named Martin who wheeled me out to the car :)  What service!!  We headed home, grabbed some chicken minis at chick fil and got home.

It was so nice to see the kiddos!  They were a bit confused all day as to why I was on the couch.  They loved having grandma and grandpa here!  I did feel a bit like a loser just sitting her laying on the couch while they took care of the kids.  I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing, but still!!

I cannot express how thankful I am for Jon's parents.  They literally took care of the kids ALL day today.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I can't thank them enough.  They truly are so wonderful.

It was hard not having Jon here, but I was thankful to have him on skype.  All of these things happen for a reason.  I love him so very much.  He is my rock.  I love our little family.  I am excited about all of this and... very nervous.  I hope this all ends in good things!  Keep us in prayers! Let the 2 week wait begin!!

It's tomorrow!

I think I'm in denial.  No.. I am in denial.

I got my call today from the surgical center.  It was quite the conversation.  I was driving, so I pulled over in a neighborhood so I could write things down.  The woman was asking me all the normal questions "what meds are you on?" "Your husband is coming with you, right?"  Um.. no to that question.  I had to explain and then I told her that my wonderful mother in law would be with me.  I also told her that Dr. G said we could skype with Jon because he is out of town.  The next part was kind've ridiculous.

She was asian and her accent was thick- this is how the conversation went
woman: "So you have iphone?"
me: "No, we don't have iphones, but our phones can use skype."
woman: "But you can't facetime without iphone"
me "That's true, but we can skype- it's the same thing"
woman: "So, no iphone?"
me: "No, no iphone."
woman "oh.  But you will facetime?"
me: "yes- video chatting but with a different program"

lol.. I think we spent more time about discussing if I had an iphone or not than the more important info

Then she went on saying that we needed to be there by 6:30am.  Bah.  It's like 35mins away from here.  Early.  Then she told me that I have to drink 2 bottles of water starting from when I leave the house.  I remember last time that I had to go to the bathroom so bad after the procedure and I had to lay there for quite a while afterwards and I was just dying!  I pretty much begged to go to the bathroom and then they handed me a bedpan.. thanks.  Sorry, TMI.. but I had to tell the nurse on the phone today about this.  Then she said "you probably chugged your water"  ok?  I just don't want to go through that again lol... it was embarrassing.  So, here's to doing that again with hopefully a different outcome haha.

I'm sad that Jon can't be here, but I know that it will be okay.  This time around is so different.  I'm excited and so hopeful.  However, running around like a crazy lady with the twins takes my mind off of it (except when it comes time to do the shot!!).  

Wish us luck!  :D

Green light!

Um... so... I meant to post this here.. but I posted it on our public blog on accident!  Oops.. well maybe not many people saw it lol...

This past week I had 2 doctor appointments.  Just the normal drill.  Blood and ultrasound.  It was nice though, Dr. G was at each visit!  That hasn't happened much this go-round.  He told me on Tuesday the 4th that we were expecting the transfer to be August 11th.  Good and bad... So, we were originally planning on the transfer being either the 4th or 6th... well, that came and went... Jon even planned to be home this week because of it.  Timing of these things are so sensitive... and Jon's travel plans for work are also time sensitive.  He has to plan out his travel 3 weeks in advance and unless it's an absolute emergency- he can't cancel.  In my own personal bubble- not having him there at the transfer is an emergency.  However, in the real world.. it's not.  Plub.  

So, during my appointment today Dr. G was excited and said that Tuesday is officially the day!  I asked if we could Skype Jon in and he said they've done it before and that would be fine.  I probably should have been more excited when we were talking about the transfer date but I was like "sounds good!"  Oh well :)  It worked.  

So, now that everything is in the works.. the next part is here.  The "scary" part lol... shots.  Yep.  The nurse had to draw circles on my rear to show where the injection site is.  Awesome.   Here we go!  Wish me luck!  These shots are completely freaking me out.  Okay, I'm done now lol

Just because you'd rather see the kids :)

Polynesians Pray Hard

After a LONG weekend- I made it to Monday!  

So, let me backtrack a little.  When everything went down on Friday-  I was crazzzzy emotional.  Thanks, estrogen drugs!  I just wanted to say that I was never fearing that they were finding cancer.  My biggest fear was having to cancel the frozen transfer and have to go down a road that I don't even want to approach.   Did the fact that whatever the radiologist was seeing/feeling could be something bad like cancer go through my mind- of course!  The radiologist was very matter of fact and serious (that's her job- I know) but so serious that it just really scared me.  

The one thing that I did KNOW was that when Dr. G's office (fertility doc) did all my initial blood work- they checked EVERYTHING.  Everything from white blood count to if I was immune to chickenpox.  I know that sometimes even if everything checks out- you can still have problems- but rechecking all my lab results really helped to calm me down this weekend.  Oh- and that I got a blessing from Jon.  That was key :D  We talked to some family and let them know what was going on.  Jon's parents are in Hawaii (lucky ducks!) and they said they put our names in the temple there.  Then, Jon and I fasted on Sunday and fed the missionaries (that last part was planned like a month ago.. extra blessings!!).  

Anyways,  I went in today and the ultrasound tech was so nice!  She really helped me feel like it was okay.  She spent a lot of time doing the ultrasound and then went in and got the radiologist.  The same radiologist as Friday then did her own ultrasound on me... my immediate thought was... you couldn't have done this on Friday???  Because obviously the radiologist could do the ultrasound lol.... poor ultrasound tech just sat there... probably thinking "I just did all of this...."  She kept asking "Do you feel what we felt on Friday?"  All I could say was "I'll be honest, I don't know.  Everything feels the same like it always has.  Nothing hurts and nothing feels weird to me.  I've always thought it was just fat deposits."  All she said was "That could be"

Anyways, after about 45 mins- they concluded that there was nothing- maybe a cyst but nothing really visible.

A wave of relief just came over me.  Thankgoodness!!  I can't tell you how happy I was!  I wasn't going to have to cancel the FET or get a biopsy!  Woohoo!  

Thank you all for your love, support and prayers!  Also, a thank you to the Polynesians ;)  y'all pray hard!

So many wonderful things have happened today.  Not only all the stuff above.. but Jon's older sister and her family met their little girl, Mabel, in China today who they are adopting.  We are in love with her! I cannot wait to meet her (Ashlyn can't either- she keeps asking to see pictures of baby Mabel). So many happy feels today!    

Prayers needed

So, things have been a little emotional this past week.  Partially due to all the estrogen I'm taking - ha!  But... in all honesty, things have been a little nuts.

When I first started writing this blog I mentioned that I had to go in for a mammogram (because of my mom's history).  Well, it came back abnormal.  However, when I first got the call saying I needed to come back- all they said was that the pictures on one side were incomplete and I just needed to come back in to redo them and they didn't see anything.. well.. that wasn't the full truth.. so when I finally figured out that they did see something (yesterday)- that just freaked me out.  This isn't all that uncommon when you have your first one- they don't have any other baseline mammograms to compare it to.  Anyways, they rescheduled me for a 2nd mammogram and that was today.  I also need an ultrasound... but that's not until Monday.  Apparently they're short staffed on these types of ultrasound techs... awesome.  On the plus side, the ultrasound was originally scheduled for August 14th... so it at least got bumped up due to a cancellation.  Anyways, so today was the 2nd mammogram.  It was just as awkward as the first (didn't blog about that one because I figured it would just be TMI).

The radiologist tech took like 40 different pictures of my left side.  I'm not even joking.  I was there forever.  She kept going back and forth between doing pictures and consulting with the main radiologist (who wasn't in the room).  The 2nd to last time the tech left the room to consult with the radiologist- I lost it.  I started bawling my eyes out.  I was a total mess.  Seriously... it was a little pathetic- but I just couldn't pull myself together.  Anyways, the tech came back and I know she could tell I was blotchy and teary eyed.. but she didn't say anything.  Then we did more pictures.. and then she left again to see the radiologist and then the radiologist came in.  She was an older lady.  She immediately said "we think we found something".  The tech was dead silent.  The radiologist did her own exam on me and was like "oh yep.  Feel that??" and all I wanted to say was "No! You're nuts! There's nothing there!"  But... there it was- I felt it and I just started bawling.  The location where this is is way far back and can't be felt on a normal exam- she was like digging in around my armpit towards my chest (not in lymph node territory)... horrifying... you can't wear deodorant to the mammogram lol so you're like dying of embarrassment!   Then she started talking about how the ultrasound will hopefully show them what it is but we might have to do a needle biopsy.  What??? At that point I was just shaking and trying to hold back my tears.. failing.. but I was trying.

I then just blurted out - "but we're in the middle of doing a frozen embryo transfer!!" and she was like "can you hold off?"  Um.. I'm already on meds!! So, after Monday... we might have to cancel the FET.   I know that this could all be nothing.  I'm probably blubbering for no reason at all.  The fact of the matter is that I'm heart broken.  I'm scared.  Like... really scared.  

Anyways, keep me in your prayers.  I'm trying not to be a drama queen... but it is what it is lol.   I'm banking on it being nothing.  Here's to a weekend of being in panic... woo.  I still really don't understand why I couldn't go somewhere else to get an ultrasound.  I was in a hospital!  There are techs all over the place... humph.

I'm thinking mexican food is a must tonight.  Maybe ice cream.  Maybe both?  Kind've wishing I had set up a babysitter tonight.

Thanks all for your support!  We'll keep you posted!