Results

Sorry, no pictures today.  This will be a bit of a long post.  I wrote this below- but in case you don't make it that far (I don't blame you) I am making this blog public.  Not for people to feel bad for us- but to spread awareness about different things like mammograms, infertility, faith and hope.

Today was my blood test to see if the IVF took.  I'm heart broken to say that it did not.

I had a feeling this morning that it wouldn't be a positive result.  No real reason or symptoms- just a hunch.  When I told Dr. G that on the phone (that I had a feeling that it was going to be negative) he said "why do you say that?" he was concerned.. maybe thinking I hadn't mentioned any sort of symptom or something- but I assured him that nothing was out of the ordinary with my symptoms.. just a "hunch".. I hate using that word for this- but I can't think of anything else right now.  Even with the hunch- it is still heartbreaking.  

This last year has been hard.  Jon has been traveling every week since before Thanksgiving (minus Christmas, the week in NH and the week we thought our transfer was going to be).  The kids and I have just gotten into a little routine.. some days are better than others... some days include mickey mouse clubhouse episodes and others include chicken nuggets... not super proud of that- but you do what you have to sometimes.  Then, this past summer with the whole mammogram scare and going through all the infertility stuff- I've just been a mess.  I know, I'm complaining.  

We are blessed beyond what we deserve and I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and things will be ok.  So, I hate complaining about all of this- because our lives are so wonderful.  There are just times where I'm tired of being strong or tough.  However, there are so many things in my life where I've had to rely on my faith and I've always come out stronger.   

Dr. G called me later today (after the nurse had called me with the results) and went over everything with me.  He suggested that we do a blood screening (the miscarriage panel).   He said that my results indicated that the embryo may have implanted- which would be a definite miscarriage.  Sometimes when the embryos are transferred into the uterus, they don't implant at all and just pass through.  We will never truly know what happened, but since Dr. G knows  more than I do- I trust what he says.  He said that the blood screening is usually done after 2-3 miscarriages.  However, with my history, it just makes sense to do it now.  This will hopefully give them answers of what happened and how to prevent another miscarriage.  He said part of what it checks is to see if I have blood clotting issues or if there was an antibody that interfered.  I agreed to do the blood panel. He told me that it'll be about 15 vials. I responded with "I know I shouldn't be freaked out by needles after all the shots I've given myself... but yikes!!"  Anyways, that will be on Thursday.  It takes about 2 weeks for the results to come back.  After that, he wants to meet with Jon and me.  We've been either phone conferencing or skyping him in to any meetings I've had with Dr. G.  So, because Jon travels all the time- Friday is the only day.  However, Dr. G is in The Woodlands on Fridays... so we will have to go up there to see him (at least an hour away.. with traffic... longer).  

I'm not sure where we will go from here.  I feel like our family isn't complete.  One thing I never mentioned in my post a while back about the mammogram ordeal was that when I told the main radiologist (the one who was so sure that she found something and was expecting to do a biopsy) that I had b/g twins but we wanted to do IVF again to have another... she just was in disbelief.  She was an older lady.. but she kept saying "But you have two already- that's not enough? You want more?"  I've thought about that comment a few times since and I was a little shocked that she even said it.  I'm not offended by any means.. I just felt sad for her.  Yes, trust me, my two are enough- more than enough and I love them more than I'll ever be able to express.  I'm not looking to have 10 kids or anything like that- but I know that we are not done.  We feel like there is one more little one and we will do everything that we can (including the horrible shots!!) to bring them into our lives.  

We may never have another one.  We may adopt.  Who knows.  What I do know that I have hope.  As heart broken as I am at this moment, there is hope.   I've kept this blog private because I was nervous to share, but I will probably be making this blog public.  Not for people to feel bad for us- but to spread awareness about different things like mammograms, infertility, faith and hope.  Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us, to comfort us and to uplift us.  He has a hand in all things.  He is in the details.  

For now, we will move forward.  This will all be okay.  I am so blessed to have two incredibly amazing miracle babies (well.. not babies.. they're almost 3! But still!).  I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband who works so hard.  I am so blessed to have my in-laws in town. I can't express how much I appreciate their love, support and generosity.  Our friends are amazing and have been there and have been so supportive.  I can't thank them enough.  I'm thankful for my family back in NH who have been a great support to us as well.  We couldn't get through any of this without ALL of you.  

I will leave you with one of me and my husband's favorite scripture

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Love,

Crystal

The 2 week wait

Blah!!  The two week wait is terrible!! I'm fine and everything.. but the waiting itself stinks!  You play all these mind games with yourself.  You google everything on the planet to see what other people have experienced.  Any new symptoms must be fully evaluated and worried over.  It's just so ridiculous.

Infertility just plain stinks.

I have days where I"m super optimistic "oh yeah, this totally worked!" and other days where I'm like "This didn't work.  We're going to have to do this again!  I hate shots!!"  Okay... the shots thing is an all around "I hate shots" but figured I'd throw it in the non happy thought haha

It's not uncommon to not have any symptoms at all during these first two weeks and that's what really stinks.  You think someone would throw you a bone and just show you a small sign... even taking a home test could be false (negative and positive).  I'm debating on whether or not to take  a home test the day I do my blood test or not.

I made my appointment for that today.  It was a little odd... I told them why I needed my appointment and the first girl seemed confused.  She put me on hold and then it rang and someone else picked up and it was like I started the conversation all over.  It was weird.. They got it figured out and scheduled me.  I love HFI but I have to admit.. this time around has been hard.  The staff is all new.  They don't treat things the same way.  Instead of getting a phone call after you have a visit with a blood test to explain your results, you just get a little message on your patient portal and then instructions to call them to make your next appointment.  Before, they'd call, you'd have them to ask questions and then you'd make your appointment and be done.  Maybe it's because they've grown and have more patients?  I don't know.  Maybe something happened that has caused them to have to be not seem personally invested?  Either way, it has just been weird.  I still love Dr. G and have a ton of respect for him.  It's really not a big deal with the staff and stuff- I'm just being petty.  I would still recommend them to anyone needing help with infertility in a heart beat.

Anyways, we find out in 5 days.  Keep us in your prayers!

In the mean time, here are the littles- who are starting PRESCHOOL soon!  Can you believe that??? I'm in denial.

Transfer Day!!

What a day!!  I did not get much sleep last night.  My alarm went off around 5:20am and Jon's parents came around 5:45am. Between getting up and leaving- the cat decided to get sick... 5x. ugh! Anyways, I helped give instructions about the kid's normal routine as best I could.  Then Anne and I headed off to the Piney Point surgical center.

Traffic was a little crazier than we expected.  We were about 15mins late- but oh well.  I wasn't worried.  We got into the building and into the fertility office and then we realized that we needed to go to another suite down the hall to register.  While I was there, the woman who had called me yesterday called me again!  I was like "i'm sorry, I know I was late- but I'm getting registered right now!" She was like "oh, okay. Bye"  Weird!!

They called me back.  I went back alone, signed consents, continued drinking water, took my motrin and then they gave me a valium - the loopy drug!!  I got changed and ready.  Anne came in and was dressed up in her gear :D I wanted to take a picture but I didn't want one of myself... so in fairness I didn't take any.  I helped her figure out how to use skype so that we could do that with Jon.  Dr G came in and showed me the picture of our embryo!  It had survived the thaw and the picture was cool!  It caught it in hatching stage- Dr. G said that was a good thing.

 I was walked back to the room.   I met the nurses, and 2 doctors (including Dr G).  They got me set up on a table, put my legs in these weird things, they had an ultrasound going.  Dr. G explained everything as it was going on.  He said my lining looked great.  The whole thing was maybe like 20mins? I don't know.  I was a little out of it haha.  After it was over, Dr. G made a joke to Jon (but he couldn't hear it- the microphone was a bit muffled).  He told Jon it all went well, but if he wanted the doc to check- he could add a 2nd one"  It was a total joke :)  threatening twins!  Jon totally didn't hear it and thought he said that the 1st didn't take so we would have to do a 2nd one.  It was a little funny.

They had me slide over to another bed thing and they rolled me into another area.  Last time they made me lay there for like 45 mins.  This time it was NOT that long.  They've changed it up a little I guess.  3 years apparently means big changes in the medical world ;)  I went and got changed and then I met Anne and a nurse named Martin who wheeled me out to the car :)  What service!!  We headed home, grabbed some chicken minis at chick fil and got home.

It was so nice to see the kiddos!  They were a bit confused all day as to why I was on the couch.  They loved having grandma and grandpa here!  I did feel a bit like a loser just sitting her laying on the couch while they took care of the kids.  I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing, but still!!

I cannot express how thankful I am for Jon's parents.  They literally took care of the kids ALL day today.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I can't thank them enough.  They truly are so wonderful.

It was hard not having Jon here, but I was thankful to have him on skype.  All of these things happen for a reason.  I love him so very much.  He is my rock.  I love our little family.  I am excited about all of this and... very nervous.  I hope this all ends in good things!  Keep us in prayers! Let the 2 week wait begin!!

It's tomorrow!

I think I'm in denial.  No.. I am in denial.

I got my call today from the surgical center.  It was quite the conversation.  I was driving, so I pulled over in a neighborhood so I could write things down.  The woman was asking me all the normal questions "what meds are you on?" "Your husband is coming with you, right?"  Um.. no to that question.  I had to explain and then I told her that my wonderful mother in law would be with me.  I also told her that Dr. G said we could skype with Jon because he is out of town.  The next part was kind've ridiculous.

She was asian and her accent was thick- this is how the conversation went
woman: "So you have iphone?"
me: "No, we don't have iphones, but our phones can use skype."
woman: "But you can't facetime without iphone"
me "That's true, but we can skype- it's the same thing"
woman: "So, no iphone?"
me: "No, no iphone."
woman "oh.  But you will facetime?"
me: "yes- video chatting but with a different program"

lol.. I think we spent more time about discussing if I had an iphone or not than the more important info

Then she went on saying that we needed to be there by 6:30am.  Bah.  It's like 35mins away from here.  Early.  Then she told me that I have to drink 2 bottles of water starting from when I leave the house.  I remember last time that I had to go to the bathroom so bad after the procedure and I had to lay there for quite a while afterwards and I was just dying!  I pretty much begged to go to the bathroom and then they handed me a bedpan.. thanks.  Sorry, TMI.. but I had to tell the nurse on the phone today about this.  Then she said "you probably chugged your water"  ok?  I just don't want to go through that again lol... it was embarrassing.  So, here's to doing that again with hopefully a different outcome haha.

I'm sad that Jon can't be here, but I know that it will be okay.  This time around is so different.  I'm excited and so hopeful.  However, running around like a crazy lady with the twins takes my mind off of it (except when it comes time to do the shot!!).  

Wish us luck!  :D

Green light!

Um... so... I meant to post this here.. but I posted it on our public blog on accident!  Oops.. well maybe not many people saw it lol...

This past week I had 2 doctor appointments.  Just the normal drill.  Blood and ultrasound.  It was nice though, Dr. G was at each visit!  That hasn't happened much this go-round.  He told me on Tuesday the 4th that we were expecting the transfer to be August 11th.  Good and bad... So, we were originally planning on the transfer being either the 4th or 6th... well, that came and went... Jon even planned to be home this week because of it.  Timing of these things are so sensitive... and Jon's travel plans for work are also time sensitive.  He has to plan out his travel 3 weeks in advance and unless it's an absolute emergency- he can't cancel.  In my own personal bubble- not having him there at the transfer is an emergency.  However, in the real world.. it's not.  Plub.  

So, during my appointment today Dr. G was excited and said that Tuesday is officially the day!  I asked if we could Skype Jon in and he said they've done it before and that would be fine.  I probably should have been more excited when we were talking about the transfer date but I was like "sounds good!"  Oh well :)  It worked.  

So, now that everything is in the works.. the next part is here.  The "scary" part lol... shots.  Yep.  The nurse had to draw circles on my rear to show where the injection site is.  Awesome.   Here we go!  Wish me luck!  These shots are completely freaking me out.  Okay, I'm done now lol

Just because you'd rather see the kids :)